A cannibal has been left bitterly disappointed after discovering that the severed hand he was settling down to tuck into turned out to be nothing more than a cake.
“I’ve had many disappointments in my life,” local flesh-eater Hannibal Williams told us this morning.
“Some brains that I couldn’t eat as they’d gone off, for example, and that time I was chased out of a town pursued by armed police and dogs just because I nibbled the ear of a corpse at an open casket funeral.
“But this was the most gutting. I’d broken into the hospital, as I tend to on a Saturday night, and couldn’t believe my luck when I glanced into the staff room on the way to the morgue and saw that good looking hand, right there on the plate ready to be eaten, as if someone had made it just for me.”
He explained, “I grabbed the nearest knife to lop one of the fingers off, as I always start with those, and it sliced right through it, no bone or blood or anything. Turns out it was just an extremely tasty Génoise sponge with blueberry compôte filling and realistic skin-coloured icing on top.
“It’s so unfair – this trend of baking cakes to look like other things is very confusing for normal people like me who expect something to taste just how it looks.”
In unrelated news, there was pandemonium at a vicar’s tea party yesterday afternoon, after a parishioner cut into a lovely looking Victoria sponge that in fact turned out to be a severed hand.