Coronavirus agrees to stay out of shops until 24th July

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In the interests of having a ‘fair fight’, the coronavirus has agreed not to infect anyone while they are out shopping until the nation starts wearing masks in shops on the 24th July.

As Boris Johnson and the government stand accused of confusing advice and unclear messaging, millions of people are preparing to wear a mask to the shops, but only in ten days time.

It’s a level of uncertainty and lack of clarity that the coronavirus feels uneasy about exploiting.

The virus told us, “Look, we all know that if you lot don’t do anything at all to protect yourselves, I’ll just rip right through you and claim a victory so completely one-sided people will start calling me the ‘Liverpool of viruses’.

“Which is why I prefer it when you at least try to offer me something of a challenge.  Stuff like implementing social distancing, washing your hands more often, keeping away from each other, wearing a bloody mask – these are all cunning tricks I would expect from a worthy opponent and moves that ensure I have to keep my wits about me as we continue to do battle.

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“But waiting until the 24th of July to start wearing masks in shops? Really? Where is the satisfaction in beating you if all I have to do to decimate a care home is stand next to one of the more confused members of your team while they’re out buying milk?

“It does feel like you are doing your very best to pluck defeat from the jaws of victory. But then who am I to complain – a win is a win at the end of the day.”

A Cabinet of Arseholes – get the T-shirt here!