Health Secretary Matt Hancock to host new version of Bullseye without any of the targets

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Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, is to present an up-to-date version of eighties game show, Bullseye, without its over-reliance on pointless targets.

Hancock blamed the show’s demise on its “tired format” of contestants achieving clear objectives, like a set of wristwatches or some shit, by throwing projectiles into dartboards on which numbers represented ‘progress’ of sorts.

Instead, the health chief turned quiz-show host, promised increased investment in prizes, above the level of inflation, with an additional twenty-thousand pounds set aside for holidays in Tenerife and state-of-the-art motor homes.

Mr Hancock also noted that you could fill a cemetery with the number of people hit by darts in crowded Yorkshire TV studios over the years, but this was still fewer than those who had expired on his own c*nting treatment lists.

Meanwhile, the health minister insisted there was a problem with “targets as the primary measure of what is going on in darts-based quiz shows”.

Hancock said, “In the last episode of Bullseye, broadcast on March 22nd 1994, contestants Dave and Gill Blakely from Doncaster, continually missed their targets meaning the studio audience was left with a four-hour wait,” he told reporters.

“It is simply unrealistic for a retired plumber and a supply teacher with three grown-up kids to perform under such pressure.

“Having no target at all is better for the contestant and it is better for Bullseye.

“Similarly, by scrapping crucial targets in patient care without any form of consultation, we can help the NHS stay out of the black and into the red.”

Overworked junior doctor, Simon Williams, added, “You can’t beat a health service bully!”