Wednesday 6 November 2019 by Gary Stanton

Jacob Rees-Mogg offers common sense advice to families fleeing Californian wildfires


JAcob Rees-Mogg advice to fire sufferers

Jacob Rees-Mogg has outlined a number of practical steps for people caught in two minds as to whether to perish in the blazes currently affecting large parts of California.

Raising the alarm

Always enunciate your predicament using the Queen’s English and be as concise as possible when imparting vital information about sub-standard forest clearance. Keep any plebeian griping re tardy response times to an absolute minimum.

The Fire Brigade

Love them or loathe them, or simply undermine their very existence, the emergency services remain an essential part of any survival bid. Yes, you might know better, and pelting them with rocks and bricks might well feel good, but it can be counterproductive, leading to an unfortunate outcome on the day. Save any wilful abuse you may care to dish out for the middle of a general election campaign, the ideal time to suggest they don’t know what they’re doing.

Valuables

Make sure all valuables, including jewellery and banknotes are kept well away from the encroaching flames by storing them in a zero-tax offshore account in the Seychelles, or a safety deposit box, like the ones you see in heist movies.

Auxiliary Staff

Before leaving the premises, always check first on the whereabouts of Nanny. If she is being vigorously rogered in the scullery by the Master of the House, under no circumstances should they be interrupted or doused with cold water.

Clothing

An ill-fitting double-breasted suit offers greater protection to the torso region during the most severe conflagrations, such as those caused by hurriedly burning vital evidence of Russian interference in the democratic process, thankfully an almost unheard of occurrence in the United Kingdom until early this week.

Race

Go to great lengths to avoid being a member of an ethnic minority. It doesn’t matter if one is white on the inside, common sense dictates that one has a greater chance of prompt rescue and the sympathetic ear of a cabinet minister if one isn’t black, Hispanic Muslim or both.

Dental records

Always keep a spare copy in your study alongside your revolver. If your study is on fire, secrete these about your person, preferably in your breast pocket.

Smoke and particulates

Smoke inhalation can be one of the most deadly aspects of modern bushfires. If you simply must breathe in smoke, be mindful to select a good quality opium. This can be procured from all leading Afghan embassies on request.

Death

Obviously this can be easily avoided by those able to apply a little common sense, but if you are faced with imminent fire-related death, always have a can-do attitude and ensure that you have adequate private health insurance to cover things like first-degree burns, reconstructive surgery and limb removal.

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