Tories pledge to end the brutal slaughter of people on benefits by April 2020

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The Conservatives have promised to end to their policy of brutally murdering the disabled and those claiming other state benefits by as early as next spring.

With deaths from austerity already estimated to be in the hundreds of thousands, the Tories are keen to shed their “murderous sociopaths” image before voters go to the polls in December.

The move will be seen as an election pitch to the few who have survived the government’s reforms and those who can limp unaided to polling stations under right-of-centre sniper-fire.

While not actively killing people is seen as a bold election give-away by many in the Conservative Party, the plan has been opposed by the ERG, as the nearly-dead tend to vote Labour or Plaid Cymru.

Others wave the pencil around aimlessly while people stand around and gawp.

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This morning a beaming Boris Johnson announced, “From April 2020, the Conservatives will end the freeze on benefits and will refrain from parking our Audis in spaces reserved for mobility scooters, weather permitting.

“Our nuanced approach to the labour market means that no longer having a pulse need not be a barrier to gainful employment.

“We’ll also lift the cap on child benefit and remove the compulsory sterilization of single mothers after their second one is born, assuming they can prove who the father is.”

Government critic, Simon Williams, said, “This policy is nothing new. They were due to take a break from killing people next year anyway due to death squad fatigue and too much pressure on the mortuaries.”

Johnson added, “Did I mention Jo Swinson’s tits?”

“I voted Tory for a kinder, fairer society for all”, said no-one ever – get the t-shirt!