Tuesday 5 November 2019 by Chris Ballard

Failure to build affordable housing is offset by austerity deaths of those who needed affordable housing, insists government


Tories meet housing plans

The government has insisted that thanks to austerity it has successfully achieved its target of creating 200,000 affordable homes – despite not bothering to actually build any.

A government plan to build 200,000 affordable homes has resulted in exactly no homes being constructed. The scheme was announced by David Cameron in 2015 as part of the Conservatives’ ‘Poor people please vote for us’ initiative.

“This simply isn’t an issue,” said a spokesman for the Department of Lies and False Promises.

“This housing requirement has been more than netted off by all the people killed under our robust austerity policies.

“People get far too hung up on the ‘provision of services’ side of the equation – be it housing, hospitals or whatever.

“We’ve been successfully focussing on the ‘need for services’ component – if fewer people need these things then the result is much the same.

“It’s a bit like having an infestation of hungry ants in the kitchen.

“You could either start putting lots of sticky buns outside the back door or you could just boil the kettle and pour it down their nest.

“Either way – no more unhappy ants.”

Political Analyst Simon Williams thinks that the failure of this housing policy is all pretty par for the course.

“The commitment on affordable housing formed part of a Tory election manifesto – it was therefore never going to actually happen, obviously,” Simon pointed out.

“I mean, I’m not really sure why this is in the news.”

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