Tuesday 10 December 2019 by Gary Stanton

Boris Johnson pledges additional 50,000 piles of coats for kids with pneumonia


Boris pledges 50,000 coats for sick kids on floors

Warm-hearted Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, will solve the NHS beds crisis by funding extra fifty-thousand comfy mounds of coats for kids suffering from life-threatening illnesses this winter.

The Tory leader was visibly shocked when confronted with images of a poorly child forced to lie on a hospital floor next to a drip, which reports later confirmed to be the Health Secretary, Matt Hancock.

Youngster, Jack Williams, lay on the floor for more than four hours feeling quite shit, before eventually receiving a bollocking from a cleaner.

The situation was defused, however, when the four-year-old momentarily overcame his sepsis-related Delerium and agreed to lift his legs up so she could stick the mop under.

Meanwhile, Johnson has pledged to utilise every inch of corridor space and insisted that Leeds General Infirmary would get up to twenty new cloakrooms stocked with the latest parkas, duffle coats, and, for those who can afford to lie on the floor in comfort – crombies.

But critics of the move have since pointed out that there are already 31,000 coat-piles already propping up the dying in UK hospitals and the Tories have merely massaged the figures.

Johnson initially refused to look at the picture of the stricken toddler on journalist Joe Pike’s phone, but eventually agreed to, telling him:

“It’s a terrible, terrible image, truly appalling and I’m genuinely lost for words. See – you’ve got all this blurring around the edges and the flash hasn’t worked properly.

“The Galaxy Samsung S10 has a much better camera – twelve mega-pixels / though at £549 for an Android, it’s probably beyond the budget of your average prole.”

He added, “I can say with utmost confidence that under a future Tory government, no child will be forced to
lie on anything thinner than a fleece-lined anorak.

“Look what the fuck are you complaining about – he got seen by a doctor didn’t he?”

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