Russian athletes aren’t doping after all, says last surviving member of World Anti-Doping Agency team

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Less than a day after banning Russia’s athletes from international competition, the last surviving member of the Olympic anti-doping commission has staged a remarkable U-turn.

“Russian athletes are just fine. No doping at all,” said a visibly pale and shaking doctor at a press conference earlier today.

“They’re so clean, I’ve given them a certificate exempting them from all drug testing for the next five years.

“I just pray that’s long enough.”

A series of remarkable accidents have befallen the WADA anti-doping team over the past day, including being crushed by a falling piano, leaping out of their own upstairs window, succumbing to radiation poisoning whilst in the bath, being impaled by an unusually sharp umbrella, and being strangled in a volcano by a man with metal hands.

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Some commentators have expressed scepticism that all the deaths were accidental, but when contacted for comment they had all mysteriously disappeared.

When given the news that the ban had been lifted, members of the Russian Olympic team were reported as ‘jumping for joy’, in some cases twenty or thirty feet in the air.