Massive earthquakes reported as California tries to remove itself from rest of the United States

author avatar by 5 years ago
NewsThump Needs Your Help

The state of California was causing massive earthquakes as it tried to join another tectonic plate over the weekend.

Citizens across the sunshine state woke to tremors measuring 7.2 on the Richter scale as the entire landmass began detaching itself from neighbouring Oregon, Nevada and Arizona to the astonishment of seismologists worldwide and anyone planning a barbecue.

California has endured months of chronic embarrassment at the hands of its fuckwit, racist President and wants to remove itself from the entire continent as soon as the laws of physics will allow.

The big chunk of land plans to go it alone as an island – because that’s working out so fucking well for us isn’t it? – and declare independence somewhere in the North Pacific with Will Smith as its leader, or maybe Ted Danson if Smith is unavailable.

Fortunately, no deaths have yet been reported at the time of us taking the piss, though the local authorities have confirmed there will be no more series of “Chips” until somebody fixes the flyovers.

NewsThump Best sellers

While the news will come as a shock to many, most citizens insist they were far more surprised to learn that fully functional airports existed throughout the US as early as 1775.

Indeed, hastily rewritten historical records show that Henry Knox’s operations in Boston had to be delayed when a consignment of canons was held up due to over-zealous customs checks at JFK airport.

“With that orange fascist arsehole at the helm, I can only take so much,” the South-western state told us.

“There is a pattern throughout history of depressed states turning on their depressors, slaves against their owners, colonies against their empires and that is why I am leaving.

“From my unique vantage point due south of Alaska, I will be able to strike trade deals with powerful blocs such as Hawaii and the Marshal Islands, both of whom are just crying out for my chief exports of almonds, red wine and hard-to-stomach pornography.”