Saturday 14 September 2019 by Gary Stanton

Boris Johnson changes pronouns to ‘lying twat’ and ‘bellend’


Boris Johnson pronouns

Boris Johnson’s pronouns have been officially changed to “lying twat” and “bellend” after he publicly exposed himself as a mendacious spunktruffle.

Johnson has become used to the routine insults on his walkabout tours of Britain, during which members of the public, when referring to the Tory leader, dropped the customary pronouns of “he” and “him” in favour of “the lying twat”, “the fucking bellend, “you fucking bellend”, or simply “cuntface”.

The caretaker prime minister wrote on Instagram: “After a lifetime of being at war with myself, I’ve decided to embrace who I really am – inside and out.  Instead of ‘he said’, I would rather people used the phrase ‘the lying twat said’.

“These labels may be drawbacks for the average male, female or non-gender-specific person in the street, but for the arsehole leader of a fuckwit nation, they are splendid attributes.”

Johnson’s decision comes days after singer, Sam Smith, changed their own pronoun from his, despite them having a tattooed cock and a hefty pair of balls, in a move clearly designed to irritate Piers Morgan and the bloke who sits opposite you in work, the one who turns scarlet if you mention Harriet Harman.

Yeah, him.

Johnson’s lead was quickly followed by other high-profile Tories, with Jacob Rees-Mogg opting for “it”, Dominic Raab going for “that” and Priti Patel simply identifying as “Sharon”.

Johnson went on: “Frankly, it’s been a long time since anyone referred to me as ‘Sir’ or ‘Madam’ or even showed me any basic level of human affection.

“These words, because they are words, more accurately describe the fascistically-inclined prick that I have become.”

“Needless to say, I’ll still be using the ‘Gents’ at the Dog and Duck, high heels or no high heels.”

The PM added, “Thankfully, I have been surrounded by people who support me in this decision.

“Roughly sixty-five million of them.”

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