Friday 13 September 2019 by John Fleming

God revealed as a Remainer after documents show concerted effort to stop Adam and Eve ‘Leaving’ garden of Eden


God remainer

God has today been revealed a Remainer after rebellious government MPs published its hitherto secret “Eden Project” documents that clearly show the Almighty was against Adam and Eve leaving the garden of Eden.

The documents reveal that, when given free will, Adam and Eve voted to leave the Garden of Eden, despite God’s repeated warnings of bad health care and potentially severe fruit supply restrictions in the outside world.

One section of the document has Adam saying, “Look, the whole Union thing was getting too overbearing. You know what parents are like. You choose your friends; you can’t choose your parents. God is – at heart – a bureaucrat, an unelected one at that, and he’s in there for eternity. He has the definitive God Complex.

“He kept going on to myself and Eve with things like ‘No man is an island entire of itself. Every man is a piece of the continent’. Well, apart from the clear sexism inherent in that statement, we went and asked Peter Noman of no fixed abode and he confirms he IS an island entire of himself and he thinks God is talking bollocks. And he is. He’s a right Remoaner, that God. Moan moan moan.”

When contacted for comment by reporters today, God responded: “Look. What can you do? I told them life outside the garden would be harder, but would they believe me? Or would they rather take the word of a snake who dismissed my warnings as ‘Project Fear’.

“I gave them a choice and they went totally meshuggah, and that Eve – I mean, she was nothing but a spare rib, an afterthought – my mistake.

“She turned into a right shiksa. Her mother, my wife – rest her soul – was distraught. Distraught! What can you do? You try your best with your children and this is how it turns out! Next time, enough with the free will!”

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