Tuesday 26 November 2019 by Gary Stanton

Hopes rising that Jacob Rees-Mogg has returned to the late nineteenth century


Rees-Mogg has returned to the nineteenth century

Police investigating the whereabouts of Jacob Rees-Mogg believe he may have returned to the century from which he came, it has emerged.

The lanky Victorian gobshite mysteriously disappeared three weeks ago following ill-advised comments on the Grenfell tragedy, and police have since detected the MP’s fingerprints on a wormhole in the space-time continuum located just off the Old Kent Road.

Officers searching his grace-and-favour pad in Holland Park are examining a number of items, including a DVD of Goodnight Sweetheart, starring Nicholas Lyndhurst, whose character similarly navigates between eras in a bid to satisfy his ever-aching cock.

Evidence suggests Rees-Mogg may have arrived in August 1888, a time in which he has twelve children with a quantum version of Anne Widdecombe, the strict overseer of a workhouse, which conforms to upright Victorian fire safety standards.

The year 1888 represents an annus fantasticus for the Tory squire as there is no Labour Party, women have yet to receive the vote and the only immigrants he has to worry about are emaciated Irish peasants.

Police have also linked Rees-Mogg to a string of murders in Whitechapel. He is suspected of giving Boris Johnson a helping hand from history by eliminating Nigel Farage’s great grandmother – a chain-smoking working girl who’ll suck it for a farthing.

Met Police spokesman, Simon Williams, said:

“Indications are that Mr Rees-Mogg has taken advantage of the rather lax laws of General Relativity to travel back to an age in which slouching on the Commons’ benches doesn’t mark you out as a c*nt on Twitter.

“Our analysis suggests he makes a healthy living dispensing common-sense fire avoidance strategy to those in poor dwellings, which is practically the entire population.

“Yes, of course they’re all voting Tory.”

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