Wednesday 6 November 2019 by Gary Stanton

Joan of Arc wishing she’d listened to some good old common sense


Joan of Arc burned alive

Medieval freedom fighter, Joan of Arc – not the 1982 hit single by OMD that reached Number 5 – is wishing she’d used a bit more common sense after being burned at the stake by the forces of Henry V in 1431.

The Domremy-born rabble-rouser admits she used poor judgement by allowing herself first to be captured, roundly spat upon, then tied to an upright wooden structure around which preparations for a fire were obviously well-advanced.

After ignoring warnings from the gathered peasants that fires can, on occasion, pose a danger to human life, Joan eventually perished as the flames rose to her roman nose and her Walkman started to melt.

And by willfully neglecting basic fire safety procedures like running away from the siege of Orleans and locating a viable oxygen supply, the foolish heroine may have contributed to her own demise.

“Ah oui, I could feel it getting a bit ‘ot, but the advice at the time was to stay put and become a martyr and eventual wank foddeur for the likes of Simon Schama,” Joan reminisced.

“I suppose if I had been a bit cleverer, I would have realized that the combination of melting skin, a splitting ‘eadache and the shortness of breath was a sure sign that somesink was badly wrong.

“In 1431, fire savviness was not what it is today and there was no ‘Ealth and Safety or smug Tory wankers to point out the error of my ways.”

She added, “If only someone like Jacob Rees-Mogg has been around during the Middle Ages to offer me sound advice on basic evacuation procedures.

“But he is – ‘ow you English say – the end of the bell.”

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