Dalai Lama says ‘f*ck this shit’ to further reincarnations

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The Dalai Lama has announced that he will not be doing any further reincarnations on this “totally fucked up planet”, thank you very much.

In uncharacteristically colourful language, the Tibetan holy man bemoaned the state of affairs on Earth right now, insisting the world has fallen under the spell of “cunts and obvious wankers”.

As he battled pneumonia in a Delhi hospital, Mr Lama cited Brexit, Trump and a planned nineteenth series of Masterchef as the primary reasons why he would not be returning to this racist, godforsaken shithole anytime soon.

In Tibetan Buddhist belief, the soul of its most senior lama is reincarnated into the body of a child, but the DL promised this definitely won’t be happening again, certainly not in Britain.

“The fourth richest nation on Earth – although you’ve probably slipped down the rankings a bit – reduced to feeding its children damaged tins of spaghetti hoops from food banks – no fucking thank you,” he told us.

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“Have you ever heard of karma? You twats brought this on yourselves by straying from the path of enlightenment at the ballot box. I am, of course, referring to the pig-fucker.”

Despite fewer public appearances in recent years, the Nobel peace laureate has made a successful living as an after dinner speaker, at least when Jim Davidson isn’t available.

He added, “Take a look around you – cunts everywhere. Bolsonaro in Brazil, Erdogan in Turkey– although you don’t pronounce the ‘g’, that Hungarian bloke, Matteo Salvini – sounds like an Italian centre-forward – is, in fact, a cunt, Rees-Mogg, Mark fucking Francois. I mean, fucking shitting hell.

“Seriously, why reincarnate when you could be playing astral chess with Bent Larsen?

“If I’m really forced into it, the next time around I’d like to come back as a wasp.

“At least I could have a fucking drink.”