Rory Stewart set to become the wettest Tory on record

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Tory leadership contender Rory Stewart is set to be the wettest Tory since records began, according to reports.

With nearly three weeks of June still to go, Stewart has announced a raft of “wet” proposals, ruling out a catastrophic “no deal” Brexit and protecting the Good Friday Agreement, making him the soggiest minister since Michael Heseltine hopped on a train to Liverpool.

Meanwhile, Stewart’s pathetic concern for the vulnerable has flooded roads across Berkshire and several major rivers could breach their banks if he dares to mention affordable housing.

Experts claim that unless Stewart desists from talking in a measured, rational way about the difficulties facing the country, instead of resorting to dog-whistle racism and fantasy economics, the entire UK could become more saturated that Anne Widdecombe’s gusset at a Brexit rally.

Earlier today, a government spokesman confirmed the House of Commons had to be evacuated after Stewart suggested that food banks were a moral outrage in the fifth richest industrialised nation.

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Minister, Simon Williams, said, “Even Mrs Thatcher never had to cope with this degree of wetness.

“We’ve got a huge amount of standing water around the backbenches and it’s all coming from Rory Stewart. I just wish he’d refrain from reasoned argument and naïve attempts to form a consensus.

“We only need him to acknowledge the reality of Climate Change and the disastrous impact it is already having on the poorest nations for hundreds of years of history to be washed away in the blink of an eye.

“At this rate, we may have to bring in an emergency Boris Johnson to scoff at a Muslim.”

Tory backbencher, Timothy Gosling, agreed, telling us, “Rory Stewart is absolutely dripping.

“I had to stand next to Esther McVey just to get my kecks dry.”