Prime Minister in waiting, Michael Gove, had a very different idea of the Gross Domestic Product after spending the nineties whacked off his tits on beak.
Rumours about the Environment Secretary’s cocaine habit resurfaced last month when he gave a garbled five-hour speech to a meeting of the 1922 Committee in which he restated the need for deep lasting cuts and larger toilet cubicles.
Despite his repeated denials about his fondness for the toot, Gove’s parliamentary staff became concerned when he announced he would break with tradition by replacing the oak writing desk in his Whitehall office with a glass coffee table from Ikea.
And residents of the fashionable terrace where Gove resides became alarmed when a sniffer dog on routine bomb patrol broke free from its leash and spent the night outside his house, where it barked constantly and scratched at the door.
Fellow journalist, Simon Williams, recalled how, during one of his legendary drug parties in the nineties, Gove, who she fondly refers to as ‘The Hoover’, put austerity into practice by snorting charlie with a rolled-up ten-pound note instead of a twenty.
Last night Downing Street issued a further denial and played down rumours that Gove used his parliamentary expenses to have his septum rebuilt.
Friend, Penny Mordant, says Britain’s next Prime Minister should not be ashamed of his love affair with freebasing the ching.
“He used to line up two bowls side by side filled to the brim with the finest Colombian marching powder,” she said.
“He called it The Double Dip.”