Saturday 8 June 2019

Michael Gove wakes from 3-year bender hoping he hasn’t done anything stupid


Michael Gove Cocaine admission

Michael Gove has finally come down from being high as a kite for the last three years and expressed a hope he didn’t say or do anything he might regret whilst off his tits.

The member of Parliament for Surrey Heath staggered groggily from his bed, knocking over a small pile of traffic cones and vaguely wondering where the policewoman’s cap came from, before going to get himself a pint of water.

Gove went out ‘having it large mad style’ to celebrate the tremendous deal ‘his mate Dave’ did in Europe back in 2016, and things have been a bit foggy ever since.

He reports the last thing he really remembers is being refused access to a flight to Newcastle for being off his tits, and suggested that if you’re too monged to get into Newcastle then you’re probably having a pretty good time.

“Bloody hell, my head,” he is reported to have said.

“Never again. I swear to God, never again. I’m off the gak for good this time.”

“Where did that sheep come from?” he wondered. “It’s 2019, you say?

“I didn’t say anything that might get me into trouble, did I? It’s all a bit of a blur. Nothing like that time as education secretary?”

At the time of writing Gove has just being handed a copy of the Evening Standard by his wife and is reported to have said “Oh, shit.”

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