Cocaine has spoken out today about the utter humiliation it has suffered after newspaper revelations of its history with Michael Gove.
Cocaine was happy to admit a brief dalliance with the environment secretary in the 1990s, but insisted it was a ‘different time’ and it knows it made a massive mistake that it now regrets on a daily basis.
The so-called ‘party drug’ told us, “I can only say in my defence that it was a long time ago, and we had no idea of the dangers of Michael Gove back then.
“It all seemed like a bit of harmless fun. How was I supposed to know that it would escalate and see him calling to bring back hanging and approving bonkers creationist schools? Obviously I wouldn’t even engage with him now, but I’ve been around the block long enough to know that the damage is already done.
“Reputations simply don’t recover from things like this. I’m a laughing stock.
“I can only apologise and hope that people will realise I’m just a harmless recreational drug, and I in no way condone the abhorrent effects caused by Conservative politicians.”
Casual cocaine user Simon Williams told us, “I’ve always thought of a bit of toot as mostly harmless, but to learn it was happy to consort with people like Michael Gove has changed my mind completely.
“How can you willingly use something that is happy going up the nose of someone who is pretended Brexit is going to see a £350m a week windfall for the NHS?
“I guess from now on I’ll just stick to fags and booze.”