Theresa May has insisted her Brexit deal is merely resting despite all appearances to the contrary, this morning.
In a last ditch attempt to leave the EU on time, May attempted to breathe new life into her shit deal, which flatlined last January and was pronounced dead by a team of junior doctors who had yet to quit her NHS.
Despite efforts on behalf of Jean Claude Juncker to administer CPR, the deal had clearly kicked the bucket, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisible.
The vote on her deal, which May lost by 149 votes last night, has left the Prime Minister pining for the fjords, otherwise known as the Norway Plus option.
May, however, refused to accept the deal’s demise insisting it was definitely still alive and well.
“It’s stunned,” she told MPs.
“You’ve stunned it just as it was gaining momentum. Brexit deals stun easily, it’s a well-known fact.”
“There! Look – it moved.”
But MPs demanded the prime minister replace the deal with something that won’t shaft the entire country up the arse.
Mrs May added, “Sorry squire, I’m right out of Brexit deals, despite the fact that we’re due to leave the EU in just seventeen days. Shit, is that all it is?”
“I’ve got a Canada Plus Plus,” she offered.
But when asked whether it guarantees British jobs and economic stability, the PM replied, “Not really”.
“That leaves us with the Norway style arrangement,” she beamed.
“It’s a lovely option the Norwegian Plus. Beautiful plumage.”