Wednesday 13 March 2019 by Arabin Patson

Markets rally as Parliament restores Brexit to its normal status of pointless clusterfuck


Market rally on Brexit vote

The pound rose by 2 cents against the euro following a crucial defeat in the Commons of a government motion that could have endangered the UK’s status as a confused state lurching from crisis to crisis.

City of London stockbroker and champion cocaine user, Simon Williams, was one of many to breathe a sigh of relief when it was announced Britain would once again be in a state of constant disarray.

He explained, “What matters most for investors is predictability. And for the past two years, we have been able to rely on Britain being completely chaotic and devoid of any sense of purpose.”

Mr Williams explained that few of his investor colleagues were worried about a ‘No Deal’ scenario.

“Quite the opposite. For a start, the borders will collapse which means cheaper coke and trafficked sex workers from Belarus which are the two pillars of our profession. And No Deal would actually be quite lucrative for those of us who don’t create jack shit but just gamble other people’s money. We have taken several short positions on the UK going through a catastrophic economic meltdown in the next three years.

“I’ll be honest with you, I thought it was hugely risky but Jacob, a good friend of mine, told me he’d make sure Britain would be out of the G20 by the end of the decade. Lovely chap. A bit old fashioned but if you want to make a few quid from this mess, he’s your man.

“His outfit is based out of Dublin if you’re interested.”

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