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Millions of Britons who chose to live in a country under Tory control are to be brutally stripped of their EU citizenship.
The news comes after it was revealed that IS supporter, Shamima Begum, faces a similar fate and will have her UK citizenship withdrawn, meaning she will likely miss out on the chance of a blue passport.
Though Islamic State has lost much of its territory in recent months, militants still control an area roughly the size of Wales, but without Tom Jones or a Tom Jones equivalent.
Meanwhile, millions of UK residents, many of whom are pregnant or thinking about it, have discovered their EU citizenship will be similarly revoked.
Their freedom of movement to France and other shit is about to end, despite never having spent roughly twenty minutes laughing at severed heads in a dustbin.
Simone Williams, a “poster girl” for working in a petrol station, insists she has done nothing wrong and poses a relatively low risk to the EU mainland.
“I may have chosen a shit career, but I’ve never blown up a checkpoint while raping my Uncle. Nor have I beheaded anyone in a Syrian refugee camp, then distracted people from my atrocities by playing frankly awful acoustic guitar around a campfire,” she told us.
“Now, they’re calling me a ‘traitor to the nation’ just for wanting a better life and a well-paid job in one of the twenty-seven
EU member states, which doesn’t involve strapping explosives to myself in a London-bound train toilet cubicle, while some handsome Scottish bloke tries to talk me out of it.
She added, “The only dodgy group I’ve travelled overseas to support is U2, so I really think I deserve some sympathy.
“As for Shamima Begum, she may be a stupid cow, but I now know exactly how she feels.”
