Back my deal and I’ll cancel Army target practice with your face, May tells Corbyn

author avatar by 5 years ago

Theresa May will order the army to cease practising head shots on Jeremy Corbyn if Labour backs her piece-of-shit deal, it has emerged.

Secretly obtained footage revealed Eurosceptic soldiers taking pot shots at the Labour leader with high-velocity rifles, while others charged at his picture with bayonets screaming “Arrrrrrrrrggghhhhh!”

Close scrutiny of the images suggested Corbyn’s forehead would earn a trigger-happy young cadet, with dodgy political allegiances, more than one hundred points, while the arms and shoulders were marked with a circle and the number 50.

The footage raised fears of a military coup in the event of Labour winning a snap General Election, although this would receive strong backing from the Daily Express.

Meanwhile, the anxious Labour leader has stepped up security on his allotment and has moved his prize-winning marrows into a big fuck-off shed.

NewsThump Best sellers

The Prime Minister said, “Mr Corbyn, and Remainers in general, have little to worry about when it all kicks off as you can clearly see that most of the shots bounced off his shoulders resulting in a flesh wound at the very worst.

“If we can agree a way forward, I will instruct senior army commanders to replace the targets with someone less high profile; Len McCluskey, say.”

MOD spokesman, Simon Williams, added, “I’m more worried about our enemies – Marxists, traitors and Nicola Sturgeon – witnessing this footage and drawing highly accurate conclusions about the dire state of combat readiness of the average British soldier.

“Translated into a battlefield scenario, these deadly live rounds would have missed their main target by a considerable distance and embedded themselves in the ample stomach of the Shadow Home Secretary.”