Thursday 24 January 2019 by Gary Stanton

Hard Brexiters to enrol as super-poo donors after study finds they’re full of shit


Brexiter speaking

Leading Hard Brexit campaigners are to enrol as shit-donors after a study concluded they are absolutely full of it.

So-called experts claim that individuals who exhibit a healthy amount of faeces pouring from various orifices could be used to help patients suffering from painful bowel conditions such as C Diff, IBS and Farage-Colon.

After listening to Liam Fox spouting shit about a trade deal with Thailand, boffins estimated his entire output contains enough good bacteria to make three pots of brown-flavoured Yakult.

The same group is also eager to hear from anyone who has changed Boris Johnson’s nappy in a professional capacity and was failed to place enough emphasis on washing their hands.

Meanwhile, those advocating a Hard Brexit have been encouraged not to flush and instead bring their movements to the nearest clinic in a Tesco bag – or just throw them over the fence.

Faeces expert, Simon Williams, said, “Sure, there is a certain amount of embarrassment involved in donating your Number Twos, but compare that with the embarrassment caused by calling your son ‘Sixtus’.

“It is no longer enough to merely talk shit, you need to donate it.”

He added, “For the sake of bowel patients everywhere, we will be following through with our research.

“In the meantime, we need a volunteer to walk behind Jacob Rees-Mogg with a glass cylinder and pull out that backstop.”

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