The man considered to be the spiritual leader of all entitled middle-aged men wallowing in ignorance, Jeremy Clarkson, was so incensed that Meghan Markle claimed she was in danger in Britain, that he called for her to be violently stripped naked and pelted with shit.
People who decided that a good financial bet was to buy virtual currencies with no state backing advertised through bot accounts on social media, have been left horrified after discovering that the company with no executive board that they used as an investment platform was not ‘rock solid’.
The world cup final between France and Argentina has left English football fans hesitant over who to cheer for as both teams represented significant historical and emotional antagonism for the English that their counterparts were blissfully unaware of.
Amidst a truly bizarre tabloid hate-fest over Harry and Meghan’s Netflix show, some of Fleet Street’s finest talking chancers decreed that the Prince’s actions would somehow have angered a woman who hated both the press and the royal family with good reason.
The Royal College of Nursing has denied that a huge strike, to protest the insulting below-inflation pay raise offered by the government would harm vulnerable people; as they gave their word all their members would step outside their front door and clap which apparently makes everything fine.
Nadhim Zahawi’s controversial statement, that NHS staff should accept a drop in living standards to defy Putin, was validated by the Kremlin after it explained how the key obstacle to Russia’s winter offensive was a midwife in Poole forced to take out a payday loan to fix her boiler.
In a candid interview with the Mail on Sunday, the Labour leader succeeded in uniting a divided nation as Brexit saw him as devious and untrustworthy whereas Remainers saw him as breaking his promises and pandering to racists.
Kanye West launched his campaign for the presidency by giving the American public a taste of the tedious attention-whoring dross he is going to inflict on the world for the next few months, or until his album is released.
Donald Trump bid to return to the White House was dealt a significant blow overnight as his fellow attention-seeker Kanye West announced he would run for President, threatening to peel off votes from Trump’s core support of malevolent pricks.
Tory peer Michelle Mone has responded to revelations that she used the VIP lane system to personally profit from the PPE procurement rush, by claiming she was just safekeeping £29 million but would now return it and the government can spend it on nurses or sending kids to Lourdes.
A small rural town in Indiana has been left devastated after an argument over fruit distribution led one party to hire fugitive former soldiers whose use of military weapons fired from the hip, alongside dynamite taped to frisbees, resulted in a shocking but predictably high death toll.
Newly appointed Chancellor of the Exchequer, Comrade Hunt, surprised the business world by declaring himself against the core element of capitalism; the provision of funds by investors in the hope of future gains.
Suella Braverman’s decision to pay French police £60 million to stroll on beaches was welcomed by the rank and file in France who diligently made lists of vital anti-smuggler equipment like jetskis, Omega Seamaster watches and 40 kilos of frozen langoustines.
Cantankerous loudmouths, who furiously berate anyone not wearing a poppy as if they’ve taken a shit on the cenotaph, will spend the next 11 months blissfully skipping by homeless veterans and not giving a toss about military matters or the way soldiers are treated.
Despite a concerted effort by CCHQ to save his career, Gavin Williamson has resigned his Cabinet Post, claiming he did not wish for stories of his bullying to be a distraction, and citing a wish to dedicate himself more fully to being an odious little shit.
The Home Office has issued a statement explaining there was nothing hateful in Suella Braverman smashing a bottle of Lambrusco while watching the RNLI bring in rescued migrants and pointing the jagged edge at the boats while screaming she’d “f**king cut the lot of you!”
The unvetted mob of crooked thugs and rapists that have somehow been given warrant cards reluctantly agreed that there was an endemic problem in the police of constabularies making supportive tweets during Pride and coppers looking a bit silly when dancing in public.
The government suffered another embarrassment after it was discovered that the Home Secretary’s fiery speech was actually the result of a paperwork mix-up which resulted in her reading out loud from a printout of lyrics made for her Patriot Warrior karaoke night.
Denying accusations of being part of the ultra-rich that pays nearly no tax, the government explained that for the sake of efficiency, Downing Street will now have the same administrative status as a loss-making enterprise registered to a post box in the Channel Islands.
Writhing bundles of copulation have asked the public to stop connecting them to the current state of the Conservative Party, explaining that it was deeply unfair and hurtful to link a joyous mass of orgasming creatures to the vicious chaotic infighting of Tory MPs.
The Conservative party is once again divided by the traditional rift between those who want to see the country ravaged by endless disastrous blunders and those MPs who prefer to see average Brits put through the ringer by sadistic sociopaths. Simon Williams, one of the key figures in the camp dubbed ‘Team Fuckwit’ by the
Although traditionally an apolitical figure, the resident feline at Number 10 Downing Street has found himself lambasted by Tory ministers as being part of the “anti-growth coalition” following an incident where he defecated in the PMs favourite pair of Ugg Scuffetes.
The leader of Ukraine has taken time off his busy schedule trying to keep his nation alive to publicly put forward some possible ways tech entrepreneur Elon Musk could make his £50,000 cars feel slightly more reliable than a rusted Vauxhall Belmont found in a barn.
Donald Trump, a Russian asset in the US who is fond of groping his own daughter, has come up with a brilliant plan to use a dissuasive lawsuit against CNN to make sure no one publicly calls him a sexually predatory crook that cheats at golf.
Britain’s long-standing soap opera, The Conservative Party, once again stunned audiences with a surreal plot twist whereupon leading character Liz Truss suddenly woke up and realised the previous two disastrous weeks were nothing but a vivid dream.
As the market conditions caused by the government’s mini-budget continues, some financial experts are warning of the very real danger that house prices could tumble to the extent that a nurse or a teacher might be able to buy one.
The election in Italy of far-right leader Giorgia Meloni has caused an odd reaction in the UK where populist rentagobs, who are two drinks away from calling for Muslims to be put in camps, decided that their infatuation with her ideas somehow means she isn’t a fascist. Andy Pearce, a tabloid columnist that everyone suspects
Your Nan has told other residents at her care home that she’s really proud of how you braved fatigue and sleeplessness to commemorate another person’s gran that you never met, even though you haven’t driven the 15 miles to see her since your last visit in March.
Coppers from Edinburgh to Westminster have moved the nation with their thoughtful and touching initiative to make sure the freedoms associated with the Queen’s life will be gently laid to rest over her coffin to accompany her into the afterlife. Assistant Chief Constable Simon Williams, of the Metropolitan Police elite ‘Shut Up Hippy Task Force’,
Tabloid journalists have chosen to mourn the passing of Queen Elizabeth by maintaining a sad but dignified composure when relentlessly stalking her offspring in an attempt to display their most intimate secrets to bored gossip junkies.
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