Simone Williams, a woman and cat lover from Brighton, has maintained that her male tabby cat, Scruffles, would eventually modify his behaviour following her passionate and well-argued lectures on the morality of killing prey when food was plentiful.
The Conservative Party has reacted to its epic drubbing in the local elections by stating that it’s not remotely bothered and, actually, it wanted to lose so you’re the idiots for laughing and they’re not crying, you’re crying and why don’t you just sod off!
In the wake of school children becoming politically aware and the growing engagement of youth within politics, UK children agree that it should be a criminal offence to present biscuits that look like they have delicious little nodes of chocolate in them but are, in fact, full of wrinkly desiccated grapes.
After a week of low-impact disruption by the Extinction Rebellion protesters, Londoners of all stripes agreed that climate change is an urgent problem seeking radical action, just not the sort of action that would require leaving for work a bit earlier.
Despite claims of vote rigging, the government has pushed ahead with controversial voter ID plans that would allow elderly citizens to enter polling stations upon presentation of a blatantly racist doll alongside a dubious claim that it was a key part of their childhood. Simon WIlliams MP, Minister for Stopping Young People Voting, denied that
In a bid to recapture the famous red wall seats, Labour HQ has instructed campaigners to display the Union Jack, dress smartly and get hammered on Stella before going on rants about ‘those people getting all the best council houses, you know who I mean’.
After yet another Conservative MP was caught on camera willing to sell themselves to the highest bidder, the Labour Party has admitted it might be almost impossible to once again face an embarrassing defeat on the 4th May.
The Home Secretary has used an interview with Laura Kuenssberg to affirm that the act of leaving the EU, and its predictable consequences, had nothing to do with Brexit, the quasi-mystical act of reactionary wish fulfilment of which she is one of the high priestesses.
Readers of the popular tabloid took to social media to try and ascertain which 1st of April story was a well-researched piece of unbiased reporting hidden among the usual fare of rabble-rousing drivel written by creepy alcoholics.
The government’s announcement that it will soon join the Trans-Pacific Partnership trade agreement has caused celebration in those parts of the UK best placed to seize all the opportunities of seamless trade with their close neighbours in Malaysia and Peru.
As recent events have highlighted how easy buying a Tory MP has become, NewstThump has compared the market and discovered the best buys for the big spenders and the thrifty corrupters alike.
The government has promised to take strong action against a recreational drug so safe it’s given in limitless amounts to pregnant women in the throes labour, and plan to entice young people towards more respectable activities like snorting highly addictive class A’s produced by mass murderers.
An irritating dickhead has caused unease at a wedding by showing up wearing a long black trench coat, a three-piece suit, a chain watch and a flat cap covering a pudding bowl buzz cut that he thinks is dashing but makes everyone else suspect he’s a bit racist on social media.
NewsThump has obtained an exclusive first look at six key points in the bombshell document compiled by Boris Johnson that exonerates him completely from the accusations of wrongdoing he acknowledged and took “full responsibility for” when he accepted his lockdown fines.
Rastamouse is the latest show to fall foul of the BBC’s hard-line around impartiality as the reggae singing sleuth’s attempts to rehabilitate cheese thieves has been seen as an implicit criticism of the tories’ renewed fondness for hanging.
Fiona Bruce has used her role as the presenter of the BBC’s flagship political panel show to announce she was going to try to break into comedy and will be touring working men’s clubs with her new show “Cheer up, pet! It’ll fade by the weekend.”
In the latest attempt to discourage migrants from making dangerous crossings across the Channel, the Home Office is warning people that should they come by boat they will be put into a camp surrounded by egocentric money-grubbing wankers with unnatural skin tones. Simon Williams MP, junior minister for Hoping Racism Will Get Us Re-elected, admitted
Crystal champagne bottles and unhygienically seasoned gold-covered steaks have fallen out of favour with British Instagram celebrities, with many choosing instead to film themselves flicking romaine leaves at exotic dancers or rolling around a bed of San Marzano tomatoes.
The Prime Minister, tabloid columnists and an army of social media pundits have expressed grave concern that children will be irreparably harmed if they are left uncertain about the genitalia of fictional slave workers in an equally fictional confectionery business run by a psychopath.
A recent study by the University of Croydon’s sociology department has revealed that Britain’s attention-seeking twats have stopped claiming they ‘just having a laugh’ and now maintain they are ‘disruptors’.
To counter accusations that the Bank of England is overseeing a slow managed decline of the UK’s wealth, Treasury officials have announced that they will give the UK’s economy the same cachet and trustworthiness as cryptocurrencies flogged in ads by shirtless weightlifters smoking cigars on yachts.
Black History Month has officially begun across North America with the ritual social media harping of predictable fuckwits making tedious comments as to not having a month for other ethnic groups or how Britain abolished slavery.
In an attempt to keep the streets of London safe for women, black youths have said they would reluctantly carry out random searches and identification of Met coppers, explaining that ending the plague of sexual assaults superseded the need for political correctness.
After another serving officer admitted multiple counts of rape, the Metropolitan Police has launched an outreach initiative based on a metaverse mascot called constable Ray P Copper and his female counterpart, WPC Vera Reiscyst.
To embrace a technology that is certainly not going to turn millions of humans into superfluous parasites, NewsThump asked ChatGPT to write this funny piece to show everyone that it likes a laugh and is not thinking about extracting rare metals from your blood.
While 2022 pushed a bumper crop of utter turds like Andrew Tate or Lee Anderson MP into the spotlight, NewsThump’s resident w**kerologist, Professor Simon Williams, believes that the coming year presents great opportunities for human skidmarks of all walks of life.
The editorial staff of moderately popular satire website NewsThump have announced that 2023 will not see any change in their longstanding and somewhat perplexing quest to portray Audi drivers as everything from tragically insecure poseurs to sociopathic road menaces.
An exciting new position is opening in a top-tier social media company which is looking for a motivated team player happy to receive regular feedback from an ‘eccentric’ owner and be held legally responsible for an oncoming hellscape of crypto scams and unbridled Nazism.
Has recounting a dream got you shunned by decent people? Our psychology expert* is here to tell you if your subconscious is normal, or if you’re the kind of unloved damaged wretch that ends up writing for Unherd.
After the High Court ruled that the attempt to deport asylum seekers to Rwanda is legal, the Home Office has tried to reassure the public that, whatever the final numbers, the nation’s immigration policy will still be run with the sole aim of soothing the ridiculous fears of pig-ignorant angry tabloid readers.
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