It’s vital that children think Oompa Loompas have willies, insist idiots

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The Prime Minister, tabloid columnists and an army of social media pundits have expressed grave concern that children will be irreparably harmed if they are left uncertain about the genitalia of fictional slave workers in an equally fictional confectionery business run by a psychopath.

Angry local man Simon Williams, who discovered some words in Roald Dahl’s books had been changed at the same time he found out Charlie and the Chocolate Factory was a book, said that he “feared for the future” if editorial changes he knew nothing about were not reversed.

He went on, “Gender assignments of fictional characters and mildly derogatory adjectives in a series of children’s books are the cornerstones of Early Years cognitive development. If any changes are made to established literature, there will be profound societal consequences.

“Knowing that Willie Wonka’s captive labour had todgers is what gave me the moral construct that allows me to function as an adult today. So was calling Augustus Gloop fat. If I had to use an equally descriptive synonym like ‘enormous’ or ‘rotund,’ then I would probably have become a serial killer.

“Do you know when youth crime began? When Agatha Christie changed the title of her book. You know which one.”

Newsthump Learning Zone: The Oompa Loompa were originally pygmies “imported” from Africa. But African slaves working for cocoa beans was a bit much, even in the seventies. Roald Dahl reluctantly accepted to change their ethnicity in the second edition – as long as they weren’t Jewish.