A local man has woken refreshed this morning, seemingly unaware how close he came to being murdered in his sleep on several occasions last night.
Simon Williams, 42, said he slept like a baby before getting ready for work as his partner, Karen looked at him with the barely concealed loathing of a sleep-deprived animal.
She told us, “As I lay there watching the pictures on the bedroom wall rattling away at 3 am, I wondered if a pillow over the face might, in fact, be a kindness?
“I’m sure that in evolutionary terms, killing off the snorers in any tribe would help the rest of us normal sleepers avoid predators, so there has to be some sort of legal loophole for us to dispose of them humanely, right? No? Are you absolutely sure? Oh.
“It is beginning to feel like he does it just to spite me; to show me how fast he can go to sleep, before doing everything in his power to stop me getting to sleep myself.
“Last night, I had him in a headlock at 4 am, as I realised just how easy it would be to twist his neck a little bit further and put a permanent end to it.
“However, I managed to resist – but only because he’s supposed to paint the spare room this weekend, and the bins needed putting out first thing.”
We asked Simon about the previous night, and he told us, “Me? I slept great, thanks. Though I must have slept funny as my neck is killing me this morning.”