To counter accusations that the Bank of England is overseeing a slow managed decline of the UK’s wealth, Treasury officials have announced that they will give the UK’s economy the same cachet and trustworthiness as cryptocurrencies flogged in ads by shirtless weightlifters smoking cigars on yachts.
Simon Williams, The Bank of England’s newly appointed digital economy advisor and self-described ‘based Chad’, explained that being the first country to admit its currency is no more reliable than obvious scams aimed at idiots on social media, was “an alpha play”.
He went on, “We can’t keep plodding along as the world’s richest poor country. Laundering money for Russian plutocrats and drug cartels is all well and good, but eventually, they get tossed off balconies or shot by rivals with gold AK47s.
“As for the other pillar of our GDP figures, of having moderately wealthy people selling overpriced houses to each other, that is eventually going to fail when Gen Z asks why a house that cost £35,000 to build in a pointless place like Lutterworth somehow goes for half a million.
“So here at the Bank of England, we are pioneering the acceptance that our entire subsistence is a dodgy confidence trick by joining those who have always been scam artists; 27-year-old dickheads in Dubai who wear white shoes with dark blue suits.
“No longer will we be seen as dull sensible chaps with bowler hats. In 5 years, the people who set interest rates will make TikTok videos from infinity pools near the Burj Khalifa and promise that you, too, can drive a six-wheeled Merc while surrounded by thong-wearing prostitutes who call themselves lifestyle influencers.
“We’re also thinking of selling vitamin water. Do you want to get in on the ground floor?”