“We never wanted your stupid votes anyway!” insists sobbing Tory party

author avatar by 1 year ago

The Conservative Party has reacted to its epic drubbing in the local elections by stating that it’s not remotely bothered and, actually, it wanted to lose, so you’re the idiots for laughing, and they’re not crying, you’re crying and why don’t you just sod off!

After a long period, Conservative Party chairman, Greg Hands, eventually agreed to answer some questions through the keyhole of his bedroom door.

He went on, “It’s such a big lie that we were desperate not to get utterly creamed. We totally let the others win. We all know the local elections are just for losers anyway.

“Labour and the Lib Dems can enjoy fixing those potholes we all posed in front of, while we do the important stuff. I never really cared and only campaigned ironically, which you would have understood if you weren’t so stupid!

“We won in all the cool places that matter like gaining one extra councillor in Bassetlaw. Labour can keep its big cities in marginal constituencies. Who needs those wankers anyway?”

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Mr Hands denied the loss was a result of his party’s electoral strategy, which some have claimed was inspired by ruthless winner-takes-all methods used by the US right.

“Rubbish. We never went into voter suppression. That ID law was completely required to put an end to the zero cases of voter fraud we’ve had in the past years. Our idea to turn people away at the polls was brilliant, but this country is just too backwards to appreciate it.

“Next year, our party is going to move to another electorate that is so much cooler!”

Mr Hands then refused to answer any more questions and spent the next six hours listening to Morrissey’s latest album; Dreams Of White England.

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