Which Tory MP should YOU buy? NewsThump’s guide to the best corrupt Conservatives for every budget

As recent events have highlighted how easy buying a Tory MP has become, NewstThump has compared the market and discovered the best buys for the big spenders and the thrifty corrupters alike.

Top End

Jacob Rees-Mogg: A famously lazy man who already has a castle, it takes a pretty penny to get him away from his nanny’s teat. But he does offer a premium product and will stand languidly and claim your decision to put arsenic in baby food was “utterly sound”.
Cost: £50,000-a-day and the right to f**k your swans on their wedding night.

Boris Johnson: Fancy a Latin-spewing buffoon to distract from your company’s dealings with war criminals? Then Boris is the man for you.
Cost: 19 child support payments of £7500 to be sent directly and discreetly to the mothers.

Mid Range

Kwazi Kwarteng: Want the advice of a man whose first policy announcement tanked an entire economy? No, neither do we, but apparently, he’s up for grabs.
Cost: £10,000 a month, but if you just stay quiet, he’ll keep dropping his fee in two-thousand pound increments like the expert negotiator he so clearly is.

Matt Hancock: Same as above, but he’s actually managed to kill a lot of people.

Budget Level

Lee Anderson: Are you a neo-nazi who wants some exposure for your scooter club? Lee will put on a twattish boxing pose for the price of what he calls “a slap-up feast.” Despire claiming you can cook a full and health meal for 30p, he will want paying a little bit more than that.
Cost: 75p

Mark Francois: Mark’s official daily rate is “one hundred proud British pounds” but calling him General Francois will net you a steep discount. Happy to spout evidence-free assertions that fall apart under the lightest scrutiny, all for very little money indeed.
Cost: £9.50 and your dignity

Jonathan Gullis: Jonathan will eagerly fight your corner with all the panache of a bricklayer conducting brain surgery. He has no problem being wrong about everything coming out of his mouth, and after a quick call from our editor, he was more than happy to debase himself on video by calling his constituents scumbags, savages and drug dealers – still one of the best £50s we’ve ever spent.

NewsThump’s choice

Nadine Dorries: Once she’s bought, Nads will stop at nothing to fight your cause. She needs no briefing and has no morals. Value for money, indeed.
Cost: £500 a day and 6 bottles of Aldi white Lambrusco per morning worked quite well.

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