In a bid to recapture the famous red wall seats, Labour HQ has instructed campaigners to display the Union Jack, dress smartly and get hammered on Stella before going on rants about ‘those people getting all the best council houses, you know who I mean’.
Simon Williams, a senior electoral consultant paid £3,000 a day, was the key architect of a brand new strategy based on trying to copy the worst parts of whatever the people who won the last election did, even if it means abandoning Labour dogmas like “being on the left”.
“Survey after survey of stunningly uninformed cretins showed they had no idea what Labour stood for, and were certainly not about to spend 4 seconds researching it on their phone.
“So naturally, we concluded Labour must move away from nebulous elitist ideas like Keynesian economics coupled with measured wealth retribution, and instead must do whatever will get some ageing reactionary berk to say ‘spot on’.
“As such, we have come up with a brilliant plan to regain the Red Wall by proudly claiming tawdry hateful nationalism is no longer the preserve of the Right, and spreading rumours that Keir Starmer has a football team tattoo on his left arse cheek.
“And when canvassing, all Labour members should react to racist diatribes on the doorstep by giving a smiling nod and a wink. They can even add some bollocks about the BBC being woke extremists if there are no cameras around.”
However, some critics say the new plan would only work if the other key bloc of Labour voters, socially aware graduates living in cosmopolitan cities, did not notice their party of choice was embracing every idea and attitude they profoundly detest. A charge Mr Williams denied.
He concluded, “Nonsense. As long as we become committed populists then next year, we are certain to replicate the electoral success of UKIP.”