Wanker Watch: Read our expert’s predictions on who will be the biggest pricks of 2023

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While 2022 pushed a bumper crop of utter turds like Andrew Tate or Lee Anderson MP into the spotlight, NewsThump’s resident wankerologist, Professor Simon Williams, believes that the coming year presents great opportunities for human skidmarks of all walks of life.

1. Royal Correspondents: The public airing of Royal Family squabbles along with an upcoming coronation essentially guarantees oodles of airtime for nepo-poshos who will spend hours waffling on about the dignity of regalia while trying very hard not to call Meghan Markle uppity.

2. Precious metals scammers: The industrial disputes, inflation and social collapse engendered by crony capitalism’s final act of self-cannibalism ensure a return of the kind of dickheads who use loose personal connections to tell you to invest in platinum. This year’s crypto-bro will be flogging silver ingots from Dubai or Costa Rica.

3. The Reform Party: Richard Tice’s and Nigel Farage’s OAP defrauding outfit masquerading as a political party will return to syphon up the savings of dying racists in a big way this year. Professor Williams estimates that up to £11 million will be taken from the dwindling number of leave supporters clinging on to the hope that Brexit will bring an end to Asian news anchors.

4. Tesla drivers: Although Audi still dominates the world of wheeled wankery, Elon Musk’s continuing mutation into an obnoxious 12-year-old edgelord that screams racist abuse to WoW players, and the subsequent poisoning of his car brand, has given hope that the pricks of 2023 might finally make the switch to electric.

5. People from Basildon: Some things never change.