For some unfathomable reason, the legion of highly vocal flag aficionados, who have spent the last few months telling everyone that such symbols should be venerated and never mocked, have gone quiet all of a sudden.
A recent study has sent shockwaves in the transport world, as 54% of narcissistic wankers said they were eschewing Audi cars in favour of small electric scooters when informing the world that they are complete arseholes.
As part of an ongoing plan to woo voters who long to return to the halcyon days of their youth, the government has pledged to bring back six cherished elements of British life that have gone the way of the Dodo.
Red-faced reactionaries with severe anger issues are now the most persecuted group in modern British society, according to several columnists at the Spectator and the Daily Telegraph.
Simone Williams, a woman and cat lover from Brighton, has maintained that her male tabby cat, Scruffles, would eventually modify his behaviour following her passionate and well-argued lectures on the morality of killing prey when food was plentiful.
An irritating dickhead has caused unease at a wedding by showing up wearing a long black trench coat, a three-piece suit, a chain watch and a flat cap covering a pudding bowl buzz cut that he thinks is dashing but makes everyone else suspect he’s a bit racist on social media.
Black History Month has officially begun across North America with the ritual social media harping of predictable fuckwits making tedious comments as to not having a month for other ethnic groups or how Britain abolished slavery.
Tory peer Michelle Mone has responded to revelations that her funds have been frozen by court order following an investigation by the National Crime Agency, by the money was just resting in her account.
The editorial staff of moderately popular satire website NewsThump have announced that 2024 will not see any change in their longstanding and somewhat perplexing quest to portray Audi drivers as everything from tragically insecure poseurs to sociopathic road menaces.
Recently-sacked Suella Braverman has been vindicated after a government inquiry showed that the Metropolitan Police showed “widespread and entrenched antipathy” towards patriots who try to jab broken bottles into their faces after a few breakfast beers.
Following the arrest by the Metropolitan Police of Swedish activist Greta Thunberg, fellow eco-warriors made a formal complaint of sexual assault against her, resulting in the young woman being immediately set free and given cheeky complicit winks by several police officers.
Experts in artificial intelligence have responded with amazement, and some scepticism, to Google Brain’s recent assertion that before the decade is up, it will have cracked the linguistic Holy Grail of understanding what the f**k residents of Newcastle are talking about.
In a stunning turn of events, a man claiming to be a follower of “Western Liberalism” is not an impish provocateur desiring to keep people and markets free of state interference, but rather a somewhat ignorant man with a bizarre hostility towards dark-skinned people.
The Myers Briggs personality test, which is used in many workplaces to help people understand that their HR department is full of clueless chancers, has had a radical revamp which does away with the traditional 16 personality types, now deemed too numerous.
The famous London street festival in once again underway, accompanied by badly written tirades associating petty crime with black culture.
People who see themselves as fully aware of modern gender issues have found themselves wondering if they could still enjoy Father Ted, Black Books or the IT Crowd now that their creator has thought it wise to compare doctors treating trans children to literal Nazis.
A year-long wide study of over 87 million social media profiles has scientifically confirmed what used to be received folk wisdom; that people with a close-up of their head smoking a large cigar are irredeemable pricks who should be avoided at all costs.
The long-held 129-metre record in the field of giving husbands a chore within seconds of them getting comfortable, was shattered yesterday as Mrs Patson in Bridlington managed to sense her husband reclining on a sofa from three entire houses away.
Before taking off in a private jet to fly to his latest meeting, the prime minister has reacted to criticisms, that he has done little to help the country reduce its carbon footprint, by publishing a list of five CO2-saving tips to see families through leaner times.
The UK’s entire political and media sectors have ditched whatever they were doing and will now spend weeks obsessed with the terrifying prospect that a newt-faced grifter with no electoral mandate might once again have to endure the same rules as the people he claims to speak for.
July is the traditional time of year when the creative minds in advertising departments decide what perfectly normal physical attribute of a woman’s body they will claim is a horrific blemish needing expensive alteration.
Freebooting UK has celebrated a trade victory after joining the Comprehensive and Progressive Agreement for Trans-Pacific Partnership which, among other things, will allow any commercial entity in 11 countries to use secret courts to block laws passed by Parliament.
15 million residents in and around London are wondering if living in the 6th richest nation on earth will hopefully ensure that they won’t have to spend next week shitting in a bucket.
In a world-first, NewsThump has lifted the lid on the immoral social media fad where heartless teenagers compete with each other at goading right-wing simpletons into outrage over clearly fake stories about schools providing litter boxes for furries.
The latest offering from the groundbreaking series has once again garnered praise for a detailed portrayal of an alternative reality where decent people were somehow in charge and narcissistic sociopaths floundered in obscurity.
Following an interview described by onlookers as “the soulless meeting their soulmates”, one of the longest-established bellends in the UK will collaborate with London’s rising star of TikTok twattery in a union experts claim will see new records of colossal prickishness.
The former Secretary of Justice will not be seeking re-election after this parliament, explaining that he wishes to step back from politics and focus on his true calling of abusing and intimidating people whose position makes it impossible for them to fight back.
In the wake of a stirring speech by noted non-historian Douglas Murray, attendees at the National Conservative jamboree agreed that Nazism was too often used to browbeat the far right and that the extermination of millions is better understood as unfortunate clumsiness.
Following yet another Eurovision loss for Britain, tabloid columnists have taken out their sharpest pens to assail the song contest and accuse it of being a celebration of camp diversity within a tolerant Europe united by its appreciation of kitsch.
In a world first, the prestigious Booker Prize was given to a writers’ collective within the Metropolitan Police for a surrealist compendium of reasons for arresting anti-monarchists that critics claim “pushes beyond the reader’s boundaries of reality and belief.”
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