Following the arrest by the Metropolitan Police of Swedish activist Greta Thunberg, fellow eco-warriors made a formal complaint of sexual assault against her, resulting in the young woman being immediately set free and given cheeky complicit winks by several police officers.
DCI Simon Williams, head of the Met’s elite Protest At Home unit, explained that long established police procedure and recent changes to the law left him no choice but to let Greta Thunberg go once someone said she had forced herself onto them.
He explained, “We had her bang to rights on a charge of Annoying Rich People. All we had to do next is take her to court and say we had grounds to suspect she might possibly do something that could hypothetically cause an eventual disturbance and voila, she’s inside for two years.
“But it seems the eco-loons have got some lefty lawyer advising them and they found out about the sexual assault loophole. Once someone made a formal accusation of rape then the wheels are set in motion. My men had no choice but to make Greta a cup of tea, ask her if the plaintiff is a bit of a slut or a fantasist, exchange jokes with her and then set her free.
“What was I to do? Hold a rape suspect in custody? Do you have any idea what that would do to morale and my reputation? I’m a former Firearms Officer, for Christ’s sake!
“And even if I decided to throw away my career by properly investigating sexual assault, nothing would happen to her as the government said the prisons are full. Well, at least for rapists. We’ll always find a cramped dark cell for protesters.
“Except those ULEZ bladerunner blokes. I like them.”