New world record established after woman detects her husband sitting down from 231 metres away

author avatar by 11 months ago

The long-held 129-metre record in the field of giving husbands a chore within seconds of them getting comfortable, was shattered yesterday as Mrs Patson in Bridlington managed to sense her husband reclining on a sofa from three entire houses away.

Impartial witnesses confirmed that Mrs Patson was having a chat while inside her friend’s house down the lane when she suddenly perked up, smiled and texted her husband to immediately check if the cat’s water bowl was empty.

At the exact same time, Mrs Patson’s daughter confirmed that her husband had just reclined into his favourite chair when his phone buzzed, and he was forced to get up while grumbling about someone being a f**king Hogwarts graduate when it came to making his life a misery.

Mrs Patson said she was delighted at being an official world record holder and gave tips to aspiring contestants.

She explained, “I don’t have super-hearing or anything. The trick is to know his routines and habits better than he does. I saw his car go past Jenny’s window. From then, I knew he would enter the house, check that I was not around, get himself a can of Monster and then flop his fat arse on the sofa to watch Dave.

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“That’s 2 minutes 40 seconds on a summer weekday with a margin of error of 5 seconds.

“Do I feel guilty? Well, we’ve lived in the same house for the past 14 years, and he still doesn’t know where we keep the batteries. He cooks once a month and acts like he’s just catered a coronation banquet. Oh, and he doesn’t know his own children’s birthdays.

“So no, he can rest when I’m dead.”