From asbestos to white dogshit: Six cherished things of our past the government is pledging to bring back

author avatar by 3 weeks ago

As part of an ongoing plan to woo voters who long to return to the halcyon days of their youth, the government has pledged to bring back six cherished elements of British life that have gone the way of the Dodo.

Below we can exclusively reveal all six pledges that will appear on a poster near you soon.

  • Asbestos: Remember when insulating a house was dirt cheap? Or you could get those special gloves that could handle molten steel? All that was possible thanks to asbestos, until meddling eurocrats started virtue-signalling about cancer. Well, the miracle material is coming back to schools and hospitals near you!
  • Dubious cartoon memories: Are you adamant you watched children’s telly with characters named Master Bates or Seaman Arsefucker even though it’s oddly impossible to find any footage of this? It will now be a crime to point out you’re clearly talking bollocks.
  • Glassings: Once a cherished part of a British weekend, glassings were lost in the swirl of globalisation. We’ll bring back the thrill of not knowing if a night on the town will bring about permanent disfigurement.
  • Irish jokes: Too long has Europe imposed on us a vision of Irish people as globally loved citizens of a thriving modern nation. We’ll make the BBC commission comedy shows based on Paddy O’Drunkard tripping over his hod.
  • Prima Nocta: No idea what this is but both Jacob Rees-Mogg and Prince Andrew both said it was absolutely vital.
  • White dogshit: There was a time you could tell how old a dog turd was by its gradual change into an ashen white lump and you knew it was safe to pick up and play. The EU decided to ban this, or so the Daily Telegraph said. Well, the joke is on them as white dogshit is now going to be a world-beating symbol of post-Brexit Britain.
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