Furious Daily Mail pundits accuse Eurovision of being exactly what Eurovision is proud to be

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Following yet another Eurovision loss for Britain, tabloid columnists have taken out their sharpest pens to assail the song contest and accuse it of being a celebration of camp diversity within a tolerant Europe united by its appreciation of kitsch.

Simon Williams, Senior Harrumpher at the Mail on Sunday, insisted that Eurovision was trying to push an agenda of overt queerness and European symbolism.

“No one will talk about it, but Eurovision is secretly ultra-woke. From its political rebukes of autocrats and populists to its constant platforming of LGBTQ icons, Eurovision is shamefully trying to distance itself from militaristic nationalism.

“It’s like they are trying to make some point about a continent marred by war over the centuries celebrating the achievement of peace to create a vast haven where everyone is safe to affirm their difference in the most flamboyant way possible.”

Mr Williams also singled out the UK’s entrant for her lack of patriotism.

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“Ultrawoke Mae Muller has mocked our glorious Boris Johnson for Brexit and has even applied for a German passport. It’s like someone whose career is impacted by the ability to tour a giant music market does not even WANT to seize global Britain’s great opportunities to perform on the Isle of Sheppey.

“Well, the joke’s on her. With her tacit condemnation of patriotic Britain, she has netted the hatred of 60-year-old curtain-twitching racists. Let’s see her music career take off without that those people in her base!

“Why yes, I am a Status Quo fan. How did you guess?”

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