Man still disappointed he couldn’t vote for Mel Giedroyc

author avatar by 1 year ago

A man who ‘only watches Eurovision because the missus likes it’ is this morning still rueing the fact that he couldn’t vote for Mel Giedroyc following her breathtaking Polish milkmaid performance.

Simon Williams, 45, said it was the best thing he’d seen on television since they cancelled Baywatch, and insisted that the BBC give Mel her own show where she travels the world learning the traditional milk-churning techniques of civilisations across all five continents.

He went on, “Eurovision has never been of interest, to be honest, but if I’d known such talented artists were performing in the background, I’d have been watching it for years.

“She was so convincing as a coquettish Polish milkmaid that I was completely lost in her narrative. I wanted to see more. Did the milk churn as expected, or did she have to work the plunger for a little bit longer? And a bit more vigorously. Perhaps while chastising the milk for being bad – so very, very bad.

“I’m a bit of a Luddite, but yes, if she had a milk-churning OnlyFans, I’d subscribe immediately.”

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Simon’s wife Emma told us, “He’s as transparent as a teenage boy standing in front of the top shelf magazines while pretending to be interested in the newspapers.

“But on the plus side, I think this means he might finally be for going back and watching the first seven series of Bake Off.”