Dominic Raab stepping down as MP to spend more time on his bullying

author avatar by 11 months ago

The former Secretary of Justice will not be seeking re-election after this parliament, explaining that he wishes to step back from politics and focus on his true calling of abusing and intimidating people whose position makes it impossible for them to fight back.

He went on, “I’m proud to have been in government and helped to deliver the will of the people, albeit in a slightly shouty and violent manner.

“But I now wish to practise my bullying skills in the City. I think it is high time I shout for 20 minutes at an underling in a bank or something. I can bring to the table my vast experience of entering a childish rage because complex issues were not presented in a manner simple enough that they can be grasped by a bone-idle loudmouth promoted way beyond his abilities.”

Mr Raab also said he wanted to develop his ability to scream insults and use them in the community at large.

“It’s not just about the big companies. There is so much small-scale bullying that I could do simply by going out onto the high street. I could go to my local coffee shop to quickly order a ludicrously complex drink and then wildly overreact if the teenager behind the counter puts the cookie crumbles after the vanilla cinnamon powder. Or I could get rat-arsed and give a condescending lecture to a homeless man in the hope he shoves me so I can beat him up.

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“Opportunities are everywhere if you know where to look. Like that cat napping on the steps over there. Got a lighter?”

I survived working for Dominic Raab!