Dominic Raab selfishly deprives voters of the opportunity to hand his arse to him

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Dominic Raab is to stand down at the next general election, selfishly depriving millions of TV viewers of the opportunity of witnessing his own ‘Portillo moment’.

The MP for Esher and Walton, and former Deputy Prime Minister, told the Telegraph that he would not be seeking re-election, but that he was willing to stay on the gravy train until Rishi Sunak decides it is time for the country to tell the Tories what they think of them.

The move has disappointed millions of voters, who had been looking forward to the election night coverage, and Raab’s despondent face as he stands on the stage listening to the results that prove he has failed.

Voter Simon Williams told us, “Any man as unpopular as Dominic, who was forced to resign for bullying, and who has such a catastrophic track record in politics, is going lose badly. And now we won’t see it – the selfish shit.

“That iconic Portillo moment is over a quarter of a century old. We need a new one, and we all thought it was going to be Raab that provided it. I guess we’ll have to rely on Michael Gove now.”

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Others have insisted that by refusing to lose his seat in a very public and embarrassing manner, he is cutting his nose off despite his face.

Commissioning editor Derek Matthews told us, “By not running, he is depriving himself of potentially lucrative future career opportunities.

“He could stand again, and lose badly; then who knows, in 25 years, he could be presenting a television programme on the best train routes between Stoke and Coventry in a pair of garish trousers.

“The railways of the world could be his oyster.”