Use the smallest Bentley! Rishi Sunak’s top 5 tips for dealing with climate change

author avatar by 11 months ago

Before taking off in a private jet to fly to his latest meeting, the prime minister has reacted to criticisms, that he has done little to help the country reduce its carbon footprint, by publishing a list of five CO2-saving tips to see families through leaner times.

It reads:

  1. Make every penny count! Get your butler (or whoever does your purchasing) to look into local stores and use coupons. Only buy non-perishable goods, like Korean roasted purple bamboo salt or Black Bowmore 50-year-old single malt, when they are on sale. Make them walk to the store and back. Servants breathe out far lest CO2 than a range rover.
  2. Declutter and sell! We all have extraneous things taking up space that we haven’t used in years. So go through your old clothes, exercise machines, cryo-chambers, albino peacocks and domestic servants and put them for sale online. You’ll reap a tidy profit and maybe awaken the wheeler-dealer in you. Buying new things harms the environment unnecessarily!
  3. Fortune favours the bold! Whether it’s yachts belonging to Slavic gentlemen keen to make a sale, or simply that ounce of cocaine you’re getting because Michael’s coming for dinner, it never hurts to ask for a discount and to make sure your gack was organically grown and ethically sourced from local suppliers – less transport means fewer harmful emissions!
  4. Hypermiling keeps savers smiling! When going on important ministerial business, tell the pilot of your private jet to enter the slipstream of those ghastly commercial airliners. Doing that could save you £500 just over one trip to St Barts, and literally ounces of CO2 in your carbon footprint.
  5. Get a second home somewhere warmer! Nothing helps reduce the cost of your heating bills by making sure your second home is somewhere nice and temperate. My huge home in California, for example, NEVER has the heating on. A heating bill that is literally zero, and uses zero fossil fuels to keep it warm.