Capital of world-beating freebooting nation really hopes it will still have running water on Monday

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15 million residents in and around London are wondering if living in the 6th richest nation on earth will hopefully ensure that they won’t have to spend next week shitting in a bucket.

Simon Williams MP, Junior Minister for Pretending We’re Not A Failed State, explained that there was nothing humiliating about a modern nation where it rains constantly being uncertain it can maintain an amenity that even slum dwellers in the third world think is basic.

He explained, “Yes, on the surface, it looks like another example that proves our management of the very basics of society is both chaotic and corrupt.

“But, if you think of it like the Brexiteer I am, being weaned from an over-reliance on flushing toilets and elementary hygiene is just the sort of edge we need in this competitive world. After all, how many people can say they spend the price of a car every year in rent yet still have to wash with a bottle of Aldi’s value mineral water and a flannel?

“This kind of unique opportunity shows that the UK’s approach of privatising everything and leaving the regulation to a couple of interns with no power whatsoever is a model for the world. Would you want to live in socialist France with its cheap nuclear power and its legal right to clean running water?

“Oh, you do? Well, you can’t. We made sure of that.”

However, in response to a public outcry by woke lefties not wanting to boil river water in a cauldron, Mr Williams said the government had developed a two-pronged plan of action of asking what would Labour do and then pointing at refugees in a dinghy.

Brown refugees.