The government has promised to take strong action against a recreational drug so safe it’s given in limitless amounts to pregnant women in the throes labour, and plan to entice young people towards more respectable activities like snorting highly addictive class A’s produced by mass murderers.
Minister Michael Gove, who claims his cocaine-taking years are behind him and expects us to believe a 56-year-old man goes clubbing regularly without bumping charlie, explained that anything young people like will be made illegal.
Gove explained, “Nothing tears at the social fabric of our nation more than people with a future enjoying life and making our voters feel like the joyless coffin dodgers they are, and this government will not stand for it.
“We don’t care if they use a product so safe it’s given to pregnant women who are not allowed to eat canned tuna, or that nitrous has no links to violent behaviour, unlike alcohol. And we most certainly don’t care that our scientific advisors say it’s completely unwarranted because you know how I feel about experts.
“Of course, we know it will not stop kids from getting wasted, and all it will do is encourage them to take illicit substances distributed by criminals and cut with anything from baby laxative to fentanyl.
“But you don’t do those drugs publicly, in front of misanthropic Tory voters. If we could, we would ban young people from laughing, but that’s impractical, so this is the next best thing.
“Anyway, I just got a baggy of marching powder made by peasants indentured by paramilitaries, then shipped globally by Mexican psychos who like to decapitate people and finally brought to the UK by Albanian gangs who make the young women they forced into sex slavery swallow packages. Fancy a line?”