As workers return to the office on Monday morning, despondent wage slaves have been left bereft after Antonio Conte shattered the dream that it was possible to call everyone you work with ‘totally shit’ and still keep your job.
The former Spurs manager left his role by mutual consent after describing the staff there as perennial losers who are incapable of winning anything, an accusation that left the club’s hierarchy of perennial losers who never win anything a bit miffed.
However, the real victims are those workers who watched Conte’s outburst, and felt inspired by his commitment to brutally unfettered honesty in the workplace.
One such worker, accountant Simon Williams, told us, “I watched his press conference with open-mouthed admiration. We’ve all imagined going into the office and telling everyone we work with just how useless they really are, that each and everyone one of them is a loser to their core, that they are all selfish pricks, and then just going to our desk and getting on with our day, free from any repercussions.
“And for seven beautiful days, Antonio Conte made it seems like that dream was a reality. But no more.
“His departure from Spurs is the single biggest career blow I’ve suffered since the company put a limit on how much free booze was included at the Christmas party.
“I guess I’ll just have to keep quiet about my feelings for the useless idiot losers I work with for another twenty-five years until my retirement party.”