NewsThump has obtained an exclusive first look at six key points in the bombshell document compiled by Boris Johnson that exonerates him completely from the accusations of wrongdoing he acknowledged and took “full responsibility for” when he accepted his lockdown fines.
The points below represent the culmination of months of work from the team tasked with rehabilitating the former prime minister’s reputation, and we think you’ll agree they’ve done a sterling job.
1. There never was a party, and anyway, I wasn’t there, and when I was there, I was told it was fine, and I only broke the rules in a very limited and specific way. Boris Johnson is expected to bring back his key defence during the partygate scandals
2. The woke Remoaner blob made me do it. The former PM will attempt to harness the very latest developments in tory blame deflections that were not as well refined when he resigned.
3. Admit it, you saucy minxes, you miss me. No other PM can ride a country this hard. Rishi’s just too clean and doesn’t know what you really want. Mr Johnson’s lawyers confirm he had crocodile clips on his nipples when he wrote this.
4. You can’t expect Boris to know right from wrong. He’s from a terribly broken home and watched his father cheat on, and savagely beat his mother. By the way, has the honours list got the all-clear yet?
5. The Parliamentary committee is hopelessly biased as it has Labour MPs, former solicitors and people who don’t like being lied to on it. Mr Johnson has kindly offered to set up a new committee composed of Stanley Johnson, Rachel Johnson, Carrie Johnson and Jo Johnson.
6. As Cleistophanes of Pergamon said so well in the Laticratakon; Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur. It’s worth a shot. It’s distracted you idiots in the past.