Government accused of cruel inhumanity after revealing asylum seekers could be sent to Essex

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In the latest attempt to discourage migrants from making dangerous crossings across the Channel, the Home Office is warning people that should they come by boat they will be put into a camp surrounded by egocentric money-grubbing wankers with unnatural skin tones.

Simon Williams MP, junior minister for Hoping Racism Will Get Us Re-elected, admitted that sending vulnerable people to a shithole like Basildon might breach human rights legislation, but that the migrant crisis had left the government with no choice.

He went on, “I know that do-gooding lawyers will say it’s inhumane to put migrants in a glorified swamp filled with tasteless cretins who seem intent on validating every negative stereotype about them.

“But that is exactly WHY it’s a deterrent. Migrants come here hoping for opportunity and freedom, so we confront them with the prospect of tedious conversations with Stone Island-wearing twats who think going on holiday to Dubai makes them aristocrats.

“Let’s see who wants to jump into a small boat if they are faced with weekends walking around Meadows Shopping centre with people who sound like congested parakeets imitating Michael Cane.”

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However, there were some signs that the Essex threat might not succeed. In a makeshift camp near Calais, Amadou N’Golo explained that even the threat of Southend would not put him off his goal of coming to Britain.

He explained, “I won’t stay in Essex long. I was kept blindfolded and tortured for two months by the secret police of my country before I escaped and crossed the Sahara, the Mediterranean, the Balkans and most of Europe. I’m pretty confident I can slip past a G4S goon from Chelsmford.”

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