The Home Secretary has demanded that the UK no longer recognise International Women’s Day and should instead celebrate British Women’s Day.
“The British people voted for Brexit,” said the reinstated Home Secretary and regular beach-botherer Suella Braverman.
“Part of that means that our women are no longer international but British, and I think that it’s high time we had a British Women’s Day for British Women who do British things, instead of pandering to the needs of all these other international women who probably want to come here illegally.”
When asked for details, Braverman went on to describe what British Women’s Day would actually entail.
She explained, “Well, you’d celebrate women’s things; like jam-making, knitting, doing the shopping. That sort of thing.
“It’s also a little bit sexist to focus on women, no? Maybe it should be just an ‘everyone British’ day? The important thing to remember is that this day shouldn’t include foreigners and asylum seekers, it’s for the indigenous British people. Not celebrating bloody immigrants, or god forbid, those from bongo-bongo land.”
The plan seems to have found favour with the six or seven people who still consider Suella Braverman’s opinion relevant.
“Women? Yes, I met one once,” said UKIP supporter and twice-convicted underwear thief Simon Williams.
“I would fully support Ms Braverman’s excellent plan to replace International Women’s Day with British Women’s Day. It’s the kind of forward-thinking idea that shows how we can make a success of Brexit.”
Asked what he would celebrate about British women, Mr Williams was quick to respond.
“Tits. And bums. All of them, really.”
International Women’s Day takes place on March 8th and is complemented by International Men’s Day on November 19th, and International Richard Herring Day on a yet-to-be-confirmed date.
Cruella Braverman – get the mug here!