UK influencers using cherry tomatoes and radicchio to flaunt luxury lifestyles

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Crystal champagne bottles and unhygienically seasoned gold-covered steaks have fallen out of favour with British Instagram celebrities, with many choosing instead to film themselves flicking romaine leaves at exotic dancers or rolling around a bed of San Marzano tomatoes.

Simon Williams, an irritating wanker from Surrey who gets his father to rent sports cars, which he then claims are #WealthUnlocked or some such bollocks, explained why he was now displaying boxes of cucumbers while nodding smugly.

“Everyone knows that you can pay £50 to sit and take pictures in a private jet that’s going nowhere, or that you can charter a yacht for an hour with 15 of your mates then have them hide in the keel while you send up a drone and ponce about with a cigar and a fake Rolex. But being able to show a full box of bell peppers or litter a table with spring onions is a sign you’re a real player, at least here in the UK.

“See that in the back of the airport taxi Mercedes I pretend is my ‘daily drive’? Yep, that’s a whole bag of escarole! The only one in the whole of England. I’m doing a collab with another influencer who says he’s got two pounds of watercress because his Mum’s made the conservatory into her hobby greenhouse. How pimp is that?

“Do you know where we could find a jetski?”

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In response to MPs’ questions about why any produce that can ward off scurvy is now rarer than hen’s teeth, Environment Secretary Therese Coffey highlighted how filling mangelwurzels are, or so her stableboys tell her.

Brexit – the gift that keeps on giving!