Are you suffering from f**ked-up right-wing dreams? Read NewsThump’s exclusive guide to what they truly mean

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Has recounting a dream got you shunned by decent people? Our psychology expert* is here to tell you if your subconscious is normal, or if you’re the kind of unloved damaged wretch that ends up writing for Unherd.

I dream of inflicting sexual humiliation and pain on a young woman I have never met.
This is a warning sign, and you should take it seriously, especially if coupled with a belief that acting like a 12-year-old pensioner is an enduring trait and not a rotting albatross wrapped around the necks of the poor sods you call a family. Honestly, you’re a wrong ‘un.

I am put in danger in convoluted situations that involve many disconnected acquaintances.
That is quite normal and is a simple manifestation of social anxiety. However, you should refrain from spending 45 minutes recounting these dreams in incredible detail to your husband especially if he’s knackered and watching Andor. Just saying.

I dream of seeing refugees put on a flight to Rwanda.
You suffer from a common condition called dullardus gigantis. It can be cured by reading good books, walking frequently and not trying to find some personal advantage in every human encounter. Don’t tell a soul about that dream. Actually, just stop talking.

I could be bounded in a nutshell, and count myself a king of infinite space – were it not that I have bad dreams.
You are a character in a dreary play by a tedious writer that English teachers mistakenly think is great. Don’t worry. Your problems will be over soon.

*Really likes that film about Freud where Michael Fassbender spanks Kiera Knightley.

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