Updated Tory nativity sees Mary and Joseph shipped off to Rwanda

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The Home Office has commissioned a new nativity play in which the true heroes are the government workers who ship Mary and Joseph off to Rwanda, despite increasing left-wing liberal pressure to adopt an open-door policy to refugees.

The hastily-written Christmas rewrite will tell the story of the brave indigenous innkeepers struggling to hold back the tide of illegal immigrants flooding in from Nazareth.

Shortly after announcing the project, Home Secretary Suella Braverman told reporters, “As good Christians, we decided to create a version of the nativity that best represents the Bible’s teachings, particularly the bit that says ‘shut the door on your neighbours’ – especially if they come by donkey from a generally eastern direction.

“The brave heroes in our play instantly see through the ‘plight’ of these so-called immigrants, who clearly think the people of Bethlehem are something of a soft touch and want to take advantage of them.

“It’s not as if there were no beds available in Nazareth, but no, they decided to head to Bethlehem in the hope of getting free handouts such as gold, frankincense and myrrh. There were plenty of other places along the way they could have stopped if they were real refugees.

“In our version of the nativity, the heroic innkeepers turn away the immigrants and have them deported to Rwanda, while also managing to let rooms to three passing kings, who are obviously perfectly welcome because they have sufficient money to pay their way.

“The moral of the story? It’s fairly obvious, isn’t it? It’s that rejecting immigrants and blindly adopting capitalist principles while trusting market forces is the way to a happier Christmas for all.”